Some days I feel like all I’ve ever been doing is hiding. Hiding from a looming grey cloud of existential catastrophe that seems unbearable to think about. Yes, it is melodramatic. But at the tender age of 18, being thrust into bills, responsibility, credit record, work and the weight of important choices makes the real world a lot to think about.
I’m starting to think that I started too young. It’s days like these that I feel so lost and directionless. Comments from friends and family rise to the surface. “Not going to university is cutting yourself short. When you stop learning, you stop growing and you stay in the same position in society” has a strong element of truth to it. And it’s knowing that you’ve stuffed up and that others were right that makes it all the more painful.
It’s hard to tell sometimes whether I have something individually wrong with my brain chemistry, or whether it’s simply become normal for the society we live in. Has mild depression become the norm? Perhaps. Because of this it sometimes seems silly reaching out for help. Especially in a society where elders tend to diminish and patronise the problems of youth. I guess it’s about finding the right adults that act as mentors & not judges, but I haven’t managed to find those.
I find it difficult to express my internal world to others. There is a very select few who understand and apart from that, I feel like I’m on an island that’s miles off shore from other’s internal continents. I get the impression that everyone feels like this. Do they hide it better than others? Are we all fooling each other that we know what we’re doing? The illusion of perfection is particularly ominous. We have instagram, youtube & snapchat to blame for that. People in mass don’t seem to care about your life unless you are rich enough to afford three green smoothies per day, and no less. It becomes easy to envy those select few who, given the right charisma, ingenuity (& often wealthy context) who manage to self pepetuate their riches merely through documenting their lifestyle enabled through money. It seems to become a cycle and although they’ve done nothing wrong, it becomes easy to become envious.
Have our parent’s generation given us unreasonable expectations? It’s no secret that the baby boomers have ennjoyed unprecedented successes compared to the generations before, made possible by positive economic climate. Even those who have started from a poor background have managed to create wealth, success & happiness. And they expect us to do it too. Is this unreasonable? I think so. The economic climate and education standards have changed drastically since their hey-day and now it’s harder than ever to even forsee a future on a par with theirs let alone scoring that job at a cafe. (Flashback to Rachel Green of Friends getting that NYC cafe job with NO previous experience…uhhh I don’t think so).
I know I’m at the start of a long road. The vunerability and uncertainty of this situation seems crushing. I can’t see it yet, but I’m hoping there’s a silver lining.
❥ Keep it real ❥